every time (i go blind)
by ipsa dixit
Summary: It's probably nothing bad, Remus tries to reassure himself, his mind jumping to the worst possible conclusion. Sirius is just late from work. He's okay./for amber


_for amber, via the gift tag. it's not so much of a blind!au, but here it is aha_

 _for hogwarts: insane house comp [remus/sirius]; assignment two, transfiguartion [an incident that leads to a phobia]_

 _thank you so much to emma for betaing!_

 _1105, by google docs_

* * *

 **22:34**

Sirius still isn't home from his work meeting and Remus is about to fall asleep on the couch waiting for him. He's going to give up and go to bed when his phone rings. He whips it out, hoping it's Sirius telling him that he's running late, but the number reads: _020-3972-3188._ No one he's ever heard of. He answers anyway.

"Hello? Is this Remus Lupin?"

Remus doesn't recognize the voice at the other end one bit. It sounds like a male with a heavy northern accent.

"Yes," Remus says, rolling his eyes. He really hopes it's not some survey they want him to take that just wastes his time. No matter how many times he asks them to take him off his list, they still call.

"Hello. I'm Harry Richardson. Are you the significant other of Sirius Black?" the other person asks.

Remus hesitates. Yes, he is. _Why_ is he getting a call about Sirius?

"Yes," he says, taking a breath. _It's probably nothing bad,_ Remus tries to reassure himself, his mind jumping to the worst possible conclusion. _Sirius is just late from work. He's okay._

"He got into a car crash tonight. He's at the Royal London Hospital."

* * *

 **23:46**

They still won't let him see Sirius. They also won't tell him how bad anything is either. Remus is forced to stay in the waiting room, his mind going over every bad scenario.

Harry's there, too. He explains that he is the one who called an ambulance when he saw the crash; the other driver was dead, but Sirius was still struggling under debris of his car. He kept on muttering to call Remus when Harry found him, which he did, going into Sirius' phone and finding Remus' number.

Remus takes Sirius' phone back, but still doesn't saying anything to Harry as they sit in the silent waiting room.

He eventually drifts off to sleep, worrying about Sirius.

* * *

 **8:29**

The finally let him see Sirius the next morning. They try to tell him how Sirius is but he doesn't listen to them; as soon as he gets the okay, he's in Sirius' room, by his side, kissing him deeply.

"Remus?"

Sirius' eyes are bandaged, which is the first thing Remus notices when he pulls away.

"Yeah, I'm right here," he says, clutching Sirius' hand.

"Where? I can't see you. I—"

"I'm right here," Remus repeats. Sirius shakes his head and Remus' heart stops for a fraction of a second. He lets go of Sirius' hand and turns to the doctor. "What's wrong with him? Why can't he—" Remus falters as he realises the answer to his question.

"Remus—" Sirius calls weakly from his bed, before being cut off by the doctor.

"Like I was saying, Mr Lupin," she starts to explain, "he was blinded by the crash. His eyes are badly damaged—"

The rest of the doctor's sentence drowns out as Remus can only hear his own blood pounding in his ears as he closes his eyes and tries to push down the anxiety.

* * *

 **10:34**

They release Sirius from the hospital two weeks later, letting Remus bring him home. He still has eye appointments every other week, though; they're working on repairing his eyes.

Remus wakes up to see Sirius 'watching' TV on their little setup.

"I hate this," Sirius says bitterly. "On the bright side, my hearing's a lot better. Remus, it took me twenty minutes to find this channel. It took me twenty minutes to find the _couch_. And I still don't really know what's going on."

Remus rubs his eyes and looks over at the screen, where two of the main characters are pressed up against a wall, kissing each other, hands in places that Remus wouldn't appreciate. "Richard and Lilah are hooking up," he says, blinking some more.

"Ew. What happened to Sean and Richard?"

"They broke up in the last season finale, Sirius." Remus rolled his eyes, despite Sirius not being able to see them. He had no idea why Sirius liked this show; it was just pointless romance.

"Aw, you _do_ pay attention to it," Sirius said, raising up a hand in the air, asking for a high-five.

"Whatever," Remus responds, not giving Sirius a high-five. "Turn that crap off, anyway. You have your appointment."

"Nah, I don't want to go," Sirius says, leaning further into the couch.

"Sucks, mate," Remus responds, going over to Sirius and taking his hand. He quickly draws it back.

"Hey! No sneak attacks!" Sirius takes his hand back and tries to push himself further into the couch, as if he was trying to merge the couch and his body. Remus rolls his eyes again, sighing. "Remus, I might not be able to _see_ you, but I still know that you just rolled your eyes at me. I'm _not_ going to it. I'm an adult, I can make these decisions for myself."

"Except," Remus says, sitting down next to Sirius and taking his hand again, giving it a little squeeze, "you _need_ to go to this appointment. Don't you want to get better? The doctor said that they could slowly repair your—"

"Yeah, I know what they said, Remus," Sirius says, cutting him off. Remus could see his jaw clench. "I can still hear." Remus can almost feel the bitterness in his voice.

"I don't understand…"

"I just don't want to go," Sirius says, taking back his hand once again.

"What the matter, Sirius?" Remus is trying to understand what Sirius is thinking, what he's feeling, but for one in his life, he can't get a read.

" _Nothing_. I just—"

"No, Sirius," he interrupts. " _Something_ is wrong." Sirius still doesn't say anything, his jaw clenching and unclenching. " _Tell me_ ," he adds.

Sirius takes a big sigh and they're both quiet for a count of three, before Sirius spouts out, "I don't want to go in the car, okay?"

"What?" Remus looks over Sirius again. Sirius' foot is going up and down, his hands are clenching and unclenching.

"I don't want to go in the car," he repeats, his voice slightly breaking. "What if—what if I get into another car crash? What if it's worse?"

Remus' mind _races_. Whenever he's presented with a problem, he always thinks: _how can I fix this?_ He usually is able to find the root of his problem, go from there, and find a solution. So, how does he? How does he fix this anxiety of Sirius'?

He's supposed to know; that's why he's there. He's supposed to be the one to answer Sirius' questions, quash his fears.

For the first time, he _can't_.


End file.
